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onlymekurt
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Name: Kurt R.
Birthday: 8/14/1983
Gender: Male
Interests: weight loss, medical journals, interior design, gardening, sewing... But these are just a cover for my REAL interests... Oh - and weddings of course.
Expertise: inadvertently starting rumors/spreading lies, having them come true at inopportune moments
Occupation: Book Production Coordinator
Industry: Publications
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  onlymekurt
Member Since:
5/18/2004
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Good evening. I'm your host, Matchmeister Ryan. And I
deeply regret informing all our faithful viewers that the smash hit
television series, Whose Bride is She Anyway? will be coming to a definitive close.
Due to severe under-funding and time constraints, the show that TIME
magazine called, "romantically unbelievable" and "more real than
reality television," will be canceled.
But let not this sad announcement rob you of the joy you experienced
watching a great series. Let us take a moment of silence to recall and
ponder all the magical memories of this show, all the hot competition,
the scandalous kisses, the long-lost reunions, the secret courtships,
and feelings of matrimonial bliss. Remember what made Whose Bride
so special.
Here, some of the show's stars share their parting thoughts and plans for the future*:
Kurt West
Final thoughts:
“What can I say?
Having a role as one of the show’s top groom contenders, being
handpicked by Whose Bride champ
Andree Kless, competing with other hot single guys for the affections of the
hot single ladies, not to mention my fights and eventual redeeming friendship
with Matchmeister Ryan … it’s been an adventure. I have been living every single man’s
dream. Will I miss it? Sure.
But not as much as I’ll miss wearing expensive suits while eating
deliciously free reception food every time.”
What he’s doing now:
Now that the show is over, Kurt had to go out and get
himself a real job, which includes extended fishing tours in between regularly
scheduled afternoon naps. Since he was
unable to get married on the show, Kurt is more determined than ever to find
himself a bride. Single ladies
everywhere – beware!
Abe "The Babe" Groveman
(This picture is kept in black and white due to extreme redness)
Final thoughts:
"Whose Bride is the very thing that made me hesitate letting anyone
take my picture in any public setting of any sort... But I loved
working with Kurt [West]; that made the whole thing worth it."
What he's doing now:
Despite Abe's apparent disgust with the show, there's no doubt that his
hit role have afforded him many opportunities. In addition to his
own clothing line, 'Le Babe,' Abe also plays bass in the popular up and
coming band ZELOS. As if that wasn't enough, Abe is currently
studying for the starring role in his first full-length feature film, Cop Carnage: Time to Take Out the Garbage! The film is slated for a Summer 2008 release.
Nicholas "Nicotine" Tedesco
Final thoughts:
"I'm definitely not going to miss all the paparazzi following me around
all the time. I will miss the high level of healthy competition
brought on by the other top contenders (Kurt and Abe) to be the next
star. I'd like to thank all the pretty people who made me
Bachelor of the Year last summer.
I also learned that some people have actually not heard of Whose Bride
is She Anyway? I know. I was shocked too. When I was
first getting to know my girlfriend, I mentioned that I was voted
Bachelor of the Year on Whose Bride ... she was not at all
impressed. In fact, she was actually turned off by me telling her
that (probably because she didn't realize what an honor it was)."
What he's doing now:
"Courting an absolutely amazing girl! Working for a top
consulting company, writing computer programs for the U.S.
government. Pursuing higher education at Johns Hopkins
University. Seeking to get fat so my girlfriend will be confident
I won't blow away."
Ricky Alcantar
Final thoughts:
"I'm really excited to have been on Whose Bride and would just like to
say thank you to all the people that have supported me over these years
(Hi mom!). Rarely has there been such a charming mix of
heartbreak, triumph, radical conjecture, tenuous rumors, and bold-faced
lies as found in Whose Bride. I'll miss the opportunity to see
myself online but I'm grateful that my charming quotes and good looks
will cause no more heartache among the the female populace (Hi Jenn!)."
What he's doing now:
"Right now my life is good, really good. I'm working as an intern
at my church (Vista New Life) and in charge of words and things for
NA. I have a small corner of the office that I like to pile
random stuff in and occasionally play music and dance (Hi
Josue!). I lead a caregroup of loud, random people like me (Hi
Neil!). Jenn says that I pose a lot, but I say that it just comes
naturally."
Melinda Wilson
Final thoughts:
"You have no idea how difficult it can be being the only starring
female [on Whose Bride] surrounded by a bunch of single men who are so
full of themselves ... and trying to get married. Ew. At
least they looked nice. Still, I'm glad the show is finally
over. Maybe now my relationship with Kurt (by which I mean purely
as nothing more than a friendship) won't be so awkward anymore..."
What she's doing now:
In serious need of away time from any of the male contestants, Melinda was not available for comment.
Charles "Dance Master" Puglisi
Final thoughts:
"Danzmastah Charles don't answer no questions!"
What he's doing now:
Without any more reception dances to attend, Lord of the Dance, Charles
Puglisi vanished without a trace. But every now and then, a rumor
will surface that Charles was spotted at a club or dance hall, working
the dance floor while pulling everyone around him into his funky boogie
before mysteriously vanishing again...
Kyle Martineau
Final thoughts:
"Dude, you have got to be kidding me! How can I summarize my
Whose Bride experience in just a few words? I created havoc,
found my long-lost twin brother, created more havoc, found my future
Mrs., and created more havoc in just one TV series! I really felt
like a hero on this show. And I also learned that there's more to
life than my insanely handsome mug ... which is a lot."
(This mug?)
What he's doing now:
"Right now I'm looking for a new job - something that says 'cool' or
'fab' and 'self-made man' and hopefully 'Inc.' Really I'm looking
for something that will pay off the love nest I just bought. I
couldn't believe I got a loan for it in the first place. All I
had to do was mention my name and do my rental groomsman routine.
Thanks Whose Bride!
Andree and Becca Kless
Final thoughts:
"We were honored to not only be the Whose Bride
Champions, but to also be an influencing factor that really helped the
show to top the charts. Being the Godfather and Godmother of the
other contestants gave us the tremendous opportunity to be a positive
power in their lives, which was amazing. Andree mostly came back
for the food."
What they're doing now:
Andree and Becca have had their hands joyously full with raising
their new son, Dronkey, who reportedly has Becca's eyes and Andree's
mouth.
Ryan Carmichael Tiren
Final thoughts:
"It's rare that you find such a creative environment where you
can really just let your thoughts flow and do the best you can to mock
the heck out of these people" [laughs appreciatively] "But really, I
think everyone on the show has learned a lot, perhaps too much, about
love and its victims. Love can take on oh-so-many personalities:
the Caring Parent, coaxing two wanderers to each others' arms ... the
Bold Warrior, breaking down barriers of culture and class, uniting
forbidden pairs ... the Romantic Minstrel, singing with fervor of man
and maiden lost in each others' gaze, traipsing the carefree path of
the lover ... and the Irresponsible Sleazeball, leading dolts astray
with its false promises and heart-wrenching betrayal... Ah, love."
What I'm doing now:
"I'm really hoping that the recent
'classic-television-show-morphed-into-a-hit-movie' theme will continue
to ride; I'd love to see Whose Bride
made into a major motion picture. I've requested Tommy Lee Jones
or Matthew McConaughey to play the part of myself. The real issue
here is that in most of his movies, Matthew has his shirt off for
several scenes, mainly just for the heck of it. In stark contrast, most of Tommy Lee's films include - some might say revolve around - the idea that he keep his shirt on.
It is precisely this difference in style that is going to hold up the
development of the script, which involves Kurt West finally deciding on
the love of his life, a charming and petite lass named Macy.
Unfortunately, in an unlikely turn of events, Kurt's 'true love' turns
out to be 'less' than what he hoped for in that their 'romance' is
really 'lifeless' ... mainly due to the fact that she is actually a
'mannequin' at 'Macy's.' The plot continues to thicken from
there. Not surprisingly, Abe 'Le Babe' Groveman is still single
in this story."
And with those final and powerful words, we're out of time ...
forever. So we thank you for your support and hope that your
journey with us was just as memorable and longwinded as ours. May
all your matrimonial dreams come true! Goodnight. And
goodbye.
xoxo
-The Whose Bride Productions Staff 
*All answers are genuine and originate from the person to whom they are attributed+
+Mostly anyway.
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Good evening. I'm your host, Matchmeister Ryan. And welcome to the sizzling season five finale of Whose Bride is She Anyway?
Finally. That's the word that describes this wedding. Those
of you who have followed this show from the beginning have undoubtedly
followed the not-so-hidden romance of Alex Goodling and Ruth Medler
with interest and intrigue. For months now, our offices have been
flooded with letters, emails, text messages, and ransom notes demanding
that we not prolong the viewers' agony by withholding the special
couple's nuptials. And so, finally, your wish is our
command. We give you ... the Wedding of Alex and Ruth (in
Technicolor!)!!
Their Story:
He
was a loner, a violently-angry young man with a history of substance
abuse who dressed in black if only to match the color of his dark
lonely heart. Even through the haze, Alex knew that the drugs
that were destroying him could never make him happy. Then one day
he saw a girl named Ruth and he decided at that moment that he would
change his entire life for her. And true to his word, he
did. But would Ruth ever notice him - him this total loser who
couldn't even speak two words in a greeting?
Matchmeister Ryan says: "Creepy!"
She
was a drama queen, a prissy young lady who wanted complete control and
perfection in her universe. Her friends threw her endless parties
and took her on numerous shopping trips just to pacify her and keep her
from throwing her monumental tantrums. But even amidst her glitzy
distractions and parties, Ruth knew that something was missing.
Surely there was a perfect man out there, a man who would lead her into
the happy future she dreamed of, wasn't there?
And we answered their questions with a resounding "yes!"
Matchmeister Ryan says: "Oh come on! You don't think it was that
easy, do you? Just look at Alex - that's one mean
fixer-upper. Fortunately for him, we had the all-star Whose Bride
team to put in a lot of overtime.
First, Alex had to choose some respectable friends. Out of 12,000
applicants, Alex handpicked Sean "Mayo" Mayonnaise and Ace "Luvya"
Leyva.
Ever the rebel, Alex defies the saying that you can pick your friends
and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.
And then, of course, Alex needed his extreme Whose Bride makeover. And man, he was way past due.
 
Our European expert, Brandoni Wyzgacci, really had to pull out the stops on this one and add his own unique touch...
And then (after completing several courses of social etiquette and
rehabilitation) Alex was finally ready to meet Ruth (or was it the
other way around?).
But it still wasn't easy, oh no. It took several more years of
Alex pursuing and stalking and Ruth playing hard to get (and sometimes
not even playing).
Matchmeister Ryan says: "I'm pretty sure I saw this picture in a horror movie once..."
And then, finally, Ruth said "yes." Alex said, "no way!"
Yes, Alex, believe it. The two lovebirds were finally pronounced Mr. and Mrs.
... which means one more beautiful summer wedding (and one more steady paycheck for me).
But of course you all know what else that means. Because the
wedding's never just about the happy couple, oh-ho no! For the
eligible singles on this show, it's a golden opportunity to strut their
stuff and snag Mr or Miss Right in order to become the next Whose Bride Is She Anyway? Champion!
This show features:
... studly single men!
... and sugary single ladies!
When the competition is hot and the stakes are high, anything could happen. Anything...
The Wedding:
Huh ... what? Oh ... it's just you. I'm uh ... just making
sure the bushes are spruced up for Alex and Ruth and uh... Oh,
who am I kidding. Remember how I said anything could
happen? Yeah. I'm hiding here so they won't make me a part
of another one of these wedding parties. Those stage lights
aren't good for my red complexion...
That's when Top Groom Contender Kurt West found me.
"Uh ... what are you doing out here Tiren?" he said.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" I said. "Nature calls."
"There's indoor plumbing y'know."
But believe it or not, Kurt and I became friends over the course of the
Narcissists Anonymous conference and put our feud behind us. I
knew I could confide in him.
"You won't rat on me will you?" I asked as we headed back inside.
"Um..." said Kurt.
Some friend. He tricked me into joining Alex's group of
merry-groomsmen - an odd assortment of guys from past shows ranging
from all shapes and sizes.
I called Kurt on my phone. "I hate you."
Alex with his best man, Ace Luvya...
shown here as actual size.
"Being the world's shortest best man has its perks," Ace explained. "I'm travel size for maximum convenience."
Ladies take note.
I'm not one for speeches, but I knew that minutes before his wedding
began, I should at least make the attempt to thank Alex for making me a
part of his wedding party.
"Alex ... uh, you've been a great friend and I... Woah! Is that lint on your face!?"
Me: "There, now it's coming off."
Alex: "Golly day! All those years I thought that was facial hair!"
"Since you have that in your hands..." said Kurt.
"Can I get a manicure while you're at it?"
"That's it. No, just a little lower ... a little lower ..."
"I hate you." I said.
Alex is smiling because he's getting married. Kurt is smiling
because with his boss gone on his honeymoon, anything goes at work...
Kurt tries his best to do an impression of Alex, but being only half-Asian, can't make his eyes squint as much.
After getting kicked out of the groomsmen prep room, Kurt joined Felix
(whose last name is way too long) and Bachelor of 2006 Nick Tedesco for
some usher action.
There's Usher (ugh) and then there's ushers (hoit!)
Skipping ahead...
This is the part where the Bride ran away with the Groom.
Ashley and Nick. It's official! Remember you heard it here
first... What!? You already knew? Stupid Internet...
One last picture of Jim and Tessa before their wedding.
In a tearful reunion (that mostly happened off-camera), we reunited
Bethany Bussell with her long-lost cousins, Tiffany and Charisa.
Let it not be said that all Whose Bride
is concerned about is ratings and money. We're in this solely for
love after all (the producers better give me a bonus for saying that).
Wedding dress designer Ammi Pons and Whose Bride vet Melinda Wilson share a smile. I like Ammi's sleeves. They're big.
Things got a little awkward when Kurt tried to jump into a picture with
Melinda. Tension has been running high between the two after Kurt
had allegedly admitted to "sighing out loud when thinking of
Melinda." She doesn't look happy about it. Nick looks on
with non-committal concern.
Fortunately for him, Kurt got a more receptive response from Melinda's
brother, male model Jimmy Cone Wilson. "I'm just standing where
all the ladies will come," Kurt admitted.
Woah! Bring the camera back over here! Look! It's me
with hot Zelos superstar Ben Neumann. Standing next to Neumann, I
felt like a new man. Get it!? "Neumann - new man!"
Hah! I should totally be writing these shows.
Sarah and Bethany show off the reason why they won the Whose Bride 2007 Best Smile competition (co-sponsored with Crest).
But despite the large crowd, there were those who were slated to make an appearance who weren't able to attend.
Most noticeably absent from the guest book was J. Ricky Vanessa Alcantar.
AP File Photo
The office of Ricky Alcantar indicated that the savvy international bachelor superstar might have accidentally sat down on his glasses, thereby breaking them and causing him to miss his flight.
Another disappointing no-show was Boston starlet Erin Magoon who
was scheduled to teach the wedding guests the famous "Bumba Waltz"
dance at the reception.
AP File Photo
Regrettably, Erin fell fatally ill and died the night before the wedding*
*(but was miraculously brought back to life the next day)
The bride and groom made their first public appearance with strange looking steins.
"Why does my beer taste like milk?" Alex gagged.
If you were wondering why the show's rating suddenly jumped, it's because of this shot.
But the attention didn't stay on the happy couple for long with twin
brothers Kurt and Kyle up to their usual mischief. Everyone was
advised to stay on their proverbial toes.
The old flower-smelling trick with a twist: skunk extract. "Let's go squirt the pastor," suggested Kyle.
But even Kyle couldn't escape remarks that it looked like he had been
putting on a little weight. It's as if someone was feeding him a
little too well. Hmm...
But that didn't stop Kyle from his usual enigmatic jokes.
"This one's for Ricky Alcantar," he said, standing in a picture with Jenn Mutimer. But what does it mean?
While everyone pondered over Kyle's fortune-cookie-like sayings, Kurt snagged a picture with Whose Bride fashion consultant Melanie Dillon.
"I'm so happy to have a sister in Melanie," Kurt said, but declined to explain...
"So when you put these two halves together, they turn into a golden
cockroach that leads you to the Cave of Wonders," Jess explained to my
sister Casey.
Speaking of Casey, she and my bro-in-law Dave still look scarily happy together *shiver*
And who could forget that all-important couple, Andree and Becca Kless?
The two are readily recognized as the Godfather and Godmother of
all Whose Bride contestants.
Andree and Becca will take-a care of all your wedding problems when the man of your dreams makes you an offer you can't refuse.
That's it. I'm firing whoever took this picture of me.
So I wasn't exactly in a happy mood when Mayo said he needed to speak with me outside.
"Please, you've got to help me get a bigger role on the show. I know I can be the next champion. I know it!"
"I don't know," I said. "How's your checking account?"
When I saw what was going on inside, I wished that I had stayed outside.
Ace reacts to the news that the cheese he just ate came from a cow.
Meanwhile, Zeus Paredes led a small group in yoga exercises to relieve the wedding stress.
 
This picture of me with Ace, Army model Malcolm Royer, and sister of
the bride Sarah Medler should prove once and for all that I actually do
socialize with other people. Now let's hurry up and get over to
the reception. No I don't need a ride. I'm driving alone.
Life's most profound mystery. Yes, I'm referring to girls.
Fortunately (but for who?) Zeus and Kurt found themselves at the female-dominated table. "We had no idea," Zeus lied.
Not wanting to waste the incredible opportunity, Zeus proposed a
contest between the two in order to impress the ladies. The rules
were simple:
Whoever ate the most butter would win.
The contestants readied themselves...
and went for it!
Mocking his opponent, Kurt licked the rest of his spoon. "Hey,
this stuff's pretty tasty," he gloated, moments before Zeus blew chunks
across the table and onto Brie Foster's dress.
"Goooo Kurt!" The ladies chanted before doing the wave*
*(This part may or may not have only happened in Kurt's dreams)
Seeing
Kurt and Zeus consume butter reminded Alex of one important thing:
"Heck yes! It's food time! Everyone dig in!" Alex shouted,
heeding his own advice.
The dessert was most enjoyed by Jenn, whose eyes seemed to say, "delicious wedding food ... and death."
Then, inevitably, that time came when every single gets to show off
what he or she has got. You guessed it. It was time to
dance.
In the words of Patrick Henry, "It's electric!"
"Oh you guys go ahead," said Bethany, who - when no one was looking -
stealthily finished off all the wine her table-mates carelessly left
behind.
With a whip of her hair, Melinda got the entire recption going into the
limbo (the back-breaking dance that is, not the first area of Hell that
goes by the same name).
And the dancing continued throughout the night. Even after the
wedding was over, my feet wouldn't quit moving. Even in my dreams
I was still dancing. And it got me thinking. Maybe that's
what marriage is all about. Maybe it's not just a day's ceremony,
but maybe it's a lifetime celebration of two people who were meant to
be together, who were maybe even made for each other. But
whatever. I'm paid to host the show, not philosophize.
So, Alex and Ruth, we here at the studio toast your marriage and wish
you the very best in your life together. After all your patience
and perseverance (not to mention the incredible amount of money you've
pulled in for the show), you deserve a happily ever after.
Previews:
On the Next Episode of Whose Bride Is She Anyway?...
Ace harbors a secret (crush?)...
Having tasted butter, Kurt goes into a butter-lust frenzy. The
maniancal look in his eyes seems to say, "I can't believe it's not
butter ... and death." Can anyone stop him? And...
Melanie Martineau?(!?) Are the rumors true? All signs point to "possibly."
All this and more on the next Whose Bride Is She Anyway?
Tune in next time! Same Bride time, same Bride channel! Be there!
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Good evening. I'm your host, Matchmeister Ryan. Like the
rest of you, I'm eagerly (groan) awaiting the next episode of Whose Bride Is She Anyway? featuring the marriage of Alex and Ruth Goodling.
But unfortunately, we've had some technical difficulties (yeah, like
it's my fault). The utterly brainless webpage you're looking at
won't let the show air any more shots (something about going over the
limit) until 'next month.' Whatever that means. I agree -
it's completely unacceptable. But our budget won't allow us to
pay for special "premium service" (what a gimmick, capitalist
pigs!). But the show is
just about complete. So quit hounding me and filling up my inbox
with questions about when the show's going to be on. I don't read
them anyway. I promise you that the season finale will air soon
and that it will be fantastic! I'm in it after all.
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| Dear Masculine Diary,
The other weekend, the producers of Whose Bride Is She Anyway?
gave me
(and the other contestants) strict orders to attend a Narcissists
Anonymous (better known as NA) conference in Louisville, Kentucky - the
most do-nothing town in America where nothing is open past 6
o'clock. If you miss the small window to get food that day, you
starve. But it was precisely this out of the way location that
the producers wanted - away from the prying eyes of reporters and
screaming fans. According to them, all the tense emotions between
all of us on the show was starting to adversely effect the show's
ratings, and we all needed a "new attitude." So they sent us off to
this summer fat camp for the soul. Not that I needed it, since
I'm not as self-absorbed as everyone else, me being perfect and all.
My twin brother Kyle is a professional model for NA (which also conveniently shares the conference with the Sodium Dieters Club)
Day 1
Dear Masculine Diary,
Like so many underdressed cattle, we were herded onto a plane in
civilian clothes, lest anyone should recognize us in our suits, ties,
dresses, and skirts.
Other show favorites, like Rental Groomsmen Kyle and Matt, and the
future Winns, were forced to go along. The producers were so
serious about this that they even imported International Hot Stud Ricky
Alcanatar from Texas along with commentator-turned-star
Machmeister Ryan. I really can't stand that guy...
Here's me, along with Brie Cheez Foster and Matt. I was
calculating the chances of our flight being hijacked by terrorists and
blown up into unrecognizable bits. 93% was what I came up with.
Unfortunately, the 7% prevailed. I would have preferred dying
horribly to what came next. Because when we got off the plane,
that's when I found out who my roommate and teammate would be for the
next four days:
Yep. Ryan Carmichael Tiren. Man, I can't stand that
guy. Did I say that already? Anyway, ever since he came on
the show and started stealing my
spotlight, I've threatened him over some of the things he's said about
me. But the truth is, I can't stand violence in any form.
Last week I got a paper-cut and passed out on the floor. I sure
hope none of the ladies find out about this.
Anyway, our group left the airport and took to the mean streets of Louisville.
Watch out Louisville! Beautiful people comin into town!
Trust.
That's what the people who put this conference together were trying to
build into us. So we had to run through a gauntlet of cheesy
trust-building activities together. It was like being in one of
those dumb programs in high school, only without the teenage angst and
acne.
The activities were as follows:
1) Building
We had to build the whole conference bookstore from scratch.
With intense focus of inner will power, Kyle holds a lightweight stand upright.
The person I wasn't expecting to find lying down on the job was buff ex-Marine Abe "The Babe" Groveman.
"I'm uh ... making sure the ceiling lights are in place," said Abe when confronted for his laziness.
"In my culture, we have what's called a 'siesta' and we stop working,"
said Filipino posterboy Zeus Paredes, also trying to weasel his way out
of work.
2) Affection
Next, we had to show affection for someone by an appropriate gesture - a hug or a good ol' pat on the back.
Kyle joined in with my friends and champs, Andree and Becca Kless, who
were both relieved that they were married to each other, making this
part of the activity easy.
Abe and Fuzzy Jimmy, on the other hand, didn't take to the assignment so enthusiastically.
Seeing Abe on the ground, still too lazy to get up, Ryan literally jumped at the opportunity.
"I'm more red than you are!" Ryan was heard shouting. "I am, I am, I am!"
Realizing that my hated enemy, Ryan, was smothering Abe with neither
love nor affection, I sprang into action to save my friend/co-star.
"You can't do that to my friend-slash-co-star!" I shouted, throwing my
body between Abe and Ryan's beanbag of death. Maybe all these
trust activities really were getting to me. Maybe I really was
beginning to understand the importance of loyalty, to learn the meaning
of sacrifice...
...but somehow this is what resulted.
That's me on the bottom. I think I broke a kidney.
And I did learn one valuable lesson that day: Never EVER help anyone out. No matter what.
3) Ducky-Wucky?
That was the name of our final activity for the night. It's
difficult to explain in detail, but let me just say that it involved
being blindfolded, holding a pillow, and standing in the center of a
circle, all while trying to follow the voices of your malicious peers.
Danny, of the Mays Drama Dynasty, was the first up.
Then the godlike Zeus.
Then Ricky.
Shown demonstrating "The Alcantar" method.
And Ryan.
"I know that's you, Kurt! I'm going to kill you before you kill me!" Ryan shouted, punching his sister, Casey.
Me.
I can't even begin to describe how Danny and Ryan tormented me. I
was so angry I slept on the couch. There was no way I was going
to share a room with Ryan.
Day 2
Dear Masculine Diary,
Today was the official opening day of the Narcissist Anonymous
conference. I felt a little better this morning after surveying
the now-completed work of my hands.
 
Some of the wearable NA merchandise. Matt definitely chose the best shirt (hint: it was also the most affordable).
The big surprise of the day was the appearance of Danzmastah Charles,
who had previously refused to attend Natcissist Anonymous.
Apparently the exotic Louisville cuisine changed his mind.
Neal is bursting with emotion ... and too much fast food.
Of course these things wouldn't be complete without the attendence of Bachelor of 2006, Nicotine Tedesco.
He arrived earlier that day together with his new girlfriend Ashley
Taylor. Of course them being together hasn't been revealed on the
show yet.
Nick and Ashley show off their new mood-bracelets. Is black supposed to be good?
NA officially began sometime that evening. Being an educated and mature person, that meant one thing...
More girls!
But my evening plans were interrupted when the speaker - some guy named
Joshua Hairless or something like that - kept going on and on about
something that I probably would have beneffited from if I bothered to
listen.
Day 3
Dear Masculine Diary,
Can I really survive this conference? It's only the third day and I'm starting to doubt it.
I did a pretty good job of avoiding Ryan Carmichael yesterday. But today (the whole day) we had to stick together for the three-legged race, the egg toss, and the chicken fight, among other things.
Neither of us were happy about it.
Plus he kept asking me all day if I thought his shirt made him look hot. I'm not making this up.
No matter how hard I tried to hide behind Andree (and I was very well hidden), Ryan always found me somehow.
The sudden appearance of Ricky broke up the day's monotonous testimonials.
As the guy running the show behind the scenes, Ricky was kind of the big man on campus over the weekend.
I counted myself lucky (popular actually) to have gotten this shot with Ricky...
... since he was surrounded by his papparazzi most of the time.
Of course Ryan would also have to get his own picture with Ricky
Just look at that challenging smirk on his red face. I swear I'll get even...
Melinda's arrival made me momentarily forget my complaints with
Ryan. Although she usually poses with certain people on the show
to throw off the viewers, Melinda took a picture with me for old time's
sake.
This could be the last picture - EVER - of me and Mel, since she's moving to California.
And who could forget those loveable Remsnyders?
All in the family. From L to R: Seth, Janet, Seth's painting.
I'm not sure how it happened. Or why. Or even when.
Maybe it was during the balloon shave. Or maybe it was during the
motivational speeches on humility. Somewhere during that day,
Ryan and I became friends. We shared a good manly cry about it.
"So are we like ... cool now?"
"Yeah ... and that's a hot shirt."
We even volunteered to do security that night with Jack's nephew, Jeremy Luke Bauer.
Besides preventing a mugging, an armed robbery, and a terrorist attack, nothing really exciting happened that night.
Day 4
Dear Masculine Diary,
I think this crazy conference is actually starting to get to me. I might actually be looking forward to today.
The day started off with meeting ZELOS superstar Ben "Shoeless" Neumann.
Being a huge ZELOS fan, I was ecstatic. I'll treasure this nose-shot forever.
As if we had hit a time warp and gone back to the 70s, there was a lot
of love going around, and this time no one was forcing it to happen.
Um ... I'm really not sure what's going on here.
A rare moment with Kyle:
People say we don't look like identical twins. But really, how could you not see it?
But not everything was hugs and games that day...
Well actually ... we did have games too. We stayed up way too
late playing games in our hotel room, since it was the last night of
the conference and all.
But as I was saying, the evening had its share of troubles.
Tensions have always been high between me and Danzmastah Charles ever
since he waltzed (literally) onto the show. And those emotions
were about to explode over a heated argument between us.
Charles wanted to play Candyland. I wanted Uncle Wiggily.
In a mind-blowing kung fu fight that lasted a little over two hours
(complete with rooftop chases and bamboo forest duels), Charles and I
duked it out for the title of "Next Game Picker Outer."
But before either of us could kill the other, we remembered everything
we learned at the conference, calmed ourselves, focused our chi, and
put our heads together.
And lo, a shining angel appeared to strengthen us.
And the rest of the night went pretty well, minus a handful of complaints about the randomness of the angel thing.
In order to keep this site PG-rated, I had to photoshop in Rhea's extra finger.
As if the night needed more awesomeness, Judah Groveman, lead singer of ZELOS stopped by my room - my room! - for a guest appearance. Like I said: me = huge fan.
I even asked Judah to play something. He said no.
But it was still cool that I asked.
In the hallway with Judah's bodyguard, Kate.
Judah: "Are you sure you fit all of my biceps into that picture?"
With all the energy and excitement of the final night, I could hardly sleep. Actually, I don't think I did.
Day 5
Dear Masculine Diary,
Well, it's finally here. I thought I couldn't wait for this
conference to be over. But now I'm kinda sad to see it go.
But my morning did perk up when I saw some of the hostesses of our Boston-based radio show spin-off, Bride and Prejudice.
Nicole, Erin, and Abby smile when they find out that a bowl of Cheerios may reduce heart disease.
Being a fan of the show, I didn't want to waste the opportunity.
I grabbed the nearest Magoon (of the Bumba variety) for a picture.
Nick took this picture, and the auditorium doors were opening behind
him. I think I yelled "hurry!" That, or
"dinametridesodiumphosphateoctacytagonide!" I can't really remember.
Inevitably, the end came. With our newfound selfless love, we all
hugged and said our goodbyes one final time before we would have to
compete with each other all over again. It really was a Kodak
moment. Which is why I had mine with me.
It looks like I finally made it into the Tiren-Somerville family. Score!
Woah! An exclusive first picture of Jenn and Ricky together. Ricky looks kinda happy.
I don't know what happened. There was like, this beautiful moment we couldn't resist.
Although it looks like Ryan got squeezed a little too hard...
But the two red guys made up by the end of the conference.
I think Abe's just happy that he convinced Ryan to become Marine Corps property.
By the end of the day, I even found myself in Abe's patented "Headlock of Affection."
While touched by the gesture, I found it to be a little ... uncomfortable. Ryan looks on with envy.
I just couldn't believe that Narcissist Anonymous '07 was finally
over. I learned so much and came to terms with my peers. It
really was a life-changing experience. But now it's all
over. I guess it's all downhill from here...
"Hey don't worry about it bro," Kyle told me over the phone while still
in mid-shoot. "They do these things every year - even when they
say they're quitting!"
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Good evening. I'm your host, Matchmeister Ryan. And welcome to another exciting episode of Whose Bride is She Anyway?
You've waited for it. You've demanded for it. You've sent
in death threats if it didn't air. So here it is: the
super-duper-extra-special episode highlighting the wedding of David
Somerville and Casey Tiren!
Their Story:
He
...was a washed-up artist who dealt with his depression by gorging
himself on vast amounts of food so that his stomach jiggled and his
cheeks swelled. Without a job and without hope, David took up
horrible-paying freshman labor jobs just so that he could buy the next
moonpie. But even though food could fill his stomach and cheeks,
David wondered, was there someone who could fill his need for love?
She
...was a devoted peace advocate who spent many sleepless nights and
days downtown, protesting in front of the White House for the
mistreatment of wheels and tires. It was a dirty and thankless
job that often left her hungry and downright depressed. She
believed in her cause. But the whole time she stood outside in
the rain with her sign, Casey couldn't help but wonder, was there
someone out there who would stand up ... for me?
And then, we answered their questions with a resounding yes!
Matchmeister Ryan says: Okay wait, stop, hold the phone. That's
just the shortened glossed-over version. It's much more
complicated than that. You see, Casey is my younger sister.
Photo proof. Notice the similarities in hair, face color ... okay
forget it. But we are related. Really. Which meant if
David was going to get to my sister, he would have to go through me
first.
He did try begging. I'll give him that. Still, I refused.
That's when David's resolve surprised me. Sitting next to his
older brother Mike for support, he challenged me to a crazy game of
poker for Casey's hand in marriage.
"I want Casey," he said. "I'm willing to bet my life for her." Mike gasped.
Being a good sport, I sat down, picked up my cards and said, "I'll see your life and wager your death."
I lost.
As promised, I secured an extreme (and I do mean extreme) Whose Bride makeover for David.
We had to call in our European expert, Brandoni Wyzgacci, just for this job.
Then of course we had to get the word out to Casey that David was the one.
AND THEN they got together
Just had to clear that up.
So here I am - for the very first time in Whose Bride history - actually part of a Whose Bride wedding. I told you this would be a special episode.
Of course that meant that I would have to put up with strange new contestant groomsmen...
like Cuban exile Ace "Luvya" Leyva...
or laid back Best Man, Sean Mayonnaise.
If I was going to have to stand up on stage next to "Mayo" under those
hot lights, I wasn't about to take any chances with too little cologne.
But when all was said and done, David and Casey were married.
And I have to admit, they do look happy together. Just a little.
The Competition
But let's not forget the other
reason for watching this show. Weddings aren't just for the happy
couple of course. It's the proving ground for hot single men and hot
single ladies to strut their stuff and snag a spouse to become the the
next happy Whose Bride Is She Anyway? couple.
Veterans of the show and also top groom contenders, Kurt West and Nick
Tedesco Jr. put on their game faces and ready themselves for another
round.
Go for blondes? In a surprising twist that she's become known
for, Melinda Wilson chose not to pose with any of the bachelors,
instead stopping here for a picture with newcomers Erin Jones (L) and
Kate McMahon (R).
Rental Groomsman, Kyle Martineau caused a stir when he was seen holding
flowers. Jumping at the opportunity, Sarah Megorden and Kate
latched on. Kyle made a bad move when he let it slip that he was
just moving the flowers over to the reception. The girls
disappeared.
Of course, a Whose Bride show wouldn't be complete without past winners
(and winners in waiting) on the scene to provoke the singles to take
action.
2006 Whose Bride Champions, Andree "Papa Daddio" and Becca Kless demonstrate that marriage is in style.
Our January couple, Seth and Janet Remsnyder made a reappearance, but this time as Mr. and Mrs.
Waiting in the wings for next title, Ruth and Alex duke it out with
Tessa and Jim, each couple trying to look happier than the other.
But which summer wedding will prevail? Only time (overtime for
me) will tell.
 
Noticeably absent from the lineup was groom contender Abe "The Babe" Groveman
AP File Photo
Abe was in Europe modeling his new line of clothing, "Le Babe"
But even without Abe, the wedding wasn't without its usual buzz.
Here, Nick smiles like he knows some secret. But whatever it was, it didn't stop him from posing with Rachael Puckett.
Kurt shares a photo with Rhea and Zeus Paredes (mistaken for a couple
earlier, but they're just siblings) as they prepare for the month-long
celebration of Asian-Pacific-American Heritage Month. Be sure to
give them presents this May.
Adding an exotic flavor to the reception, Sarah and Kurt prove that the saying "Halfies are hotties" is just as true as ever.
I've never actually met a real bridesmaid on this show before.
But I got to escort Elise Mays in the wedding. So I just had to
get in a picture with her. To commemorate the occasion of
course. No, no I'm not blushing ... my face is just ... um ...
naturally red like that...
Things got a bit out of hand after Kyle had too much to drink at the reception...
and he began to point at people (which isn't polite).
Sarah thinks of a way to pound Kyle's face in without hurting his feelings.
Finally Kyle convinced his twin brother Kurt (revealed in Episode 116)
to join him in an impromptu game of leapfrog around the lobby.
But it was quickly put to an end by a stern, rebuking look from the Bride and Groom.
... and also after someone mentioned to Kyle that all he had been drinking was just water.
Being on the show, you inevitably run into the occasional infamous
celebrity. Here, I share a glass of punch with Mafia Don Ricucci
and his heir, Garrett.
"I want you to make him an offer he can't refuse," Don Gary was saying when I walked up.
"Pops, don't worry about it," said Garrett. "I take a care of all your problems."
And speaking of the Don, his family business has been expanding with his granddaughter's birth a few months ago.
Their short-lived rivalry for Casey's heart brought to a complete
close, Kurt congratulates David and the two shake hands, demonstrating
that there are no hard feelings ... except for the feeling of the bump
on the back of Kurt's head where David had hit him with a crowbar a
year ago.
Kurt even posed for a picture with me, all smiles, like we were the best of friends.
"Does this mean you're not going to kill me?" I asked.
"In your dreams," Kurt smiled.
Near the end of the night, someone took a picture of me with my other
siblings. And it got me thinking. Maybe that's what makes
weddings so special. Families I mean. Maybe it's about
coming together as a family. And maybe it's about different
families coming together. Maybe it's about these families
blessing and sending off these two people as they form their own
family. Whatever ... I'm still going to blow David away if he
doesn't take care of Casey.
Okay, okay, I know I'm not being fair. I've just never had a
brother-in-law to harass before. So David and Casey, we at the
studio (and myself personally) wish you the very best on your happily
ever after. And we hope that you'll join us on future episodes of
Whose Bride Is She Anyway? (because it works wonders for the ratings).
Previews:
On the Next Episode of Whose Bride Is She Anyway?...
Nick bears flowers, but for whom?
Kurt and Kyle become rockers without a cause.
Unearthed footage may reveal Alex's past involvement with drugs. What will this mean for their upcoming wedding?
All this and more in the next episode of Whose Bride Is She Anyway?
Tune in next time! Same Bride Time, same Bride Channel! Be there!
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